nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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