I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
