You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
