So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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