Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
