i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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