you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
This toilet bowl is my home.
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