so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
zippers are such a cool invention
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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