Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
