Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
