And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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