fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
