Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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