Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
