I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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