Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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