I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
