I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
