Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
