My cat gives me a boner
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
