it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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