She is in my trunk
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
