She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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