girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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