Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
