I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize