Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
