so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
