Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
