i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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