The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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