Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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