i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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