Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
