I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
