so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
