so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
