Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
third nipple confirmed
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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