Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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