Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize