some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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