I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Randomize
