Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You can't special order awesome
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
