mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
