Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
