Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
