but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
