I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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