I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
