I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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