Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Randomize