no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
