Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
