fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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