I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
