Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
