That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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