Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize