Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
