I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
