I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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