I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
