good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
