That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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